One Step at a Time

When I started this process I was taking everything one step at a time.  I was doing a pretty good job of not getting ahead of myself and worrying about what I did not yet know.  My dad even reminded me at that time that we take the results of the tests and then find out the next step and keep moving forward.

Somehow that "one step at a time" philosophy flew out the window once I got my biopsy results back.  Suddenly I wanted to know exactly what all I would be facing and the timeline for everything.  The people in my life also want this information and I was getting a little frustrated having to say "I don't know."  I'd like to have a little control over this whole thing and I'd like to see the map and hopefully be able to see the end in sight.

I think this is part of why making the decision about reconstruction or not became such an obstacle for me.  The initial surgery decision was complicated enough without adding the complication of reconstruction.  I sought tons of advice but perhaps the best advice I received (from more than one source) was to make one decision at a time.   So, I have made one decision--I will be having a bilateral mastectomy.  Surgery has been scheduled and surgery preparations are in place.  After surgery, the next step will begin.  What will that next step be?  I don't know.  And, right now, today I'm OK with not knowing.

If I have learned one thing through this experience, it is that I am not in control.  As much as I would like to see the whole picture, I know it is not the best thing for me.  If I could see all that lies in my future, I think I might hide under my covers with a pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream and never come out.   I will just trust the One who is in control and take this one step at a time.  When I lived in Ohio, I hated not being able to see for miles across the flat land when I was driving.  I hated not being able to see what was ahead.  But, I discovered the benefit of not being able to see around the corner was the amazement that comes with being surprised by the beauty around the next bend.  If I could see everything coming, I'm not sure I would truly appreciate its beauty.

I read in a devotion once that our relationship with God is like driving a two-seater bicycle.  We can pedal from the front seat and try to control the steering and the destination or we can pedal from the rear seat and allow God to steer and control the destination.  I pray that I can be content to pedal from the back and not try to take control of the steering.  I want to be surprised and amazed by what is around the next corner.

Thankful thoughts for today:
FMLA
Surprise mail
The Voice
Laughing Cow Cheese
Confirmation