Sunday, June 21, 2015

I Thought I Was Ready

I thought I was ready.  I've been saying for years that whenever Jesus comes for me, I am ready.  This world is not my home and I am ready to move on to my true home in Heaven.  I've also been saying that if I was ever diagnosed with cancer, I wouldn't treat it.  I would just accept that as my time to go and enjoy whatever time I had left without medical intervention.

That all sounds great, but when I was faced with the reality of a cancer diagnosis, I changed my mind a bit.  I decided to do whatever it took, follow all recommended medical interventions, be as aggressive as possible to beat this thing.  I think in my daydream world, I figured a cancer diagnosis might come at a much later time in my life.  I thought I might be facing these decisions as an older woman with a grown family.  I never imagined I would be facing this diagnosis with children still at home.

My gut reaction was, "My job is not done!  I still have the awesome responsibility to raise these two precious gifts all the way to adulthood.  I can't leave yet."

Even as I read that I am a bit ashamed at how that sounds.  I know that God's plan for me and my family is much better than I could ever dream up.  I'm just blessed to get to be a part of helping grow these amazing kiddos on their journey to adulthood.  And, I will be a part of that important work as long as I can.  God will take care of me and my family.  I may not be able to see the big picture or even what is right around the corner, but I do know it will all work out great.  God loves us and will take care of me and my family.

If I were the author of my story, the cancer chapter would end with surgery and no needed follow up.  Who am I kidding?  If I were the author of my story, there wouldn't be a cancer chapter.  But, I am trying to trust God and let Him be in the driver's seat.  I'm trying to let Him drive and I'm trying not to be a backseat driver.  I can't see the end of the road, or even around the next curve.  And, I don't want to.  I'm not sure I would be traveling forward if I could see the valleys coming.  But, I trust God to be with me and get me safely through, whatever that means.

"Then he told them what they could expect for themselves: 'Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat—I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? If any of you is embarrassed with me and the way I’m leading you, know that the Son of Man will be far more embarrassed with you when he arrives in all his splendor in company with the Father and the holy angels. This isn’t, you realize, pie in the sky by and by. Some who have taken their stand right here are going to see it happen, see with their own eyes the kingdom of God.'"
                                                           Luke 9:23-27  (MSG)

I started this post right after receiving my biopsy results.  While attending church, I found myself unable to sing about God taking me to Heaven.  I realized at that point that I was not ready to head to Heaven myself and leave my family behind.   I want to go to Heaven, but I'm not sure I want to go right now.  I just want Jesus to return and take us all to Heaven at the same time.  Maybe tonight?  :)
Whatever happens, I will be trusting God and trying not to be a backseat driver.  He can see the end of the road, I'll just trust Him to safely get us all there.

Thankful thoughts for today:
More lasts

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  1. I love that verse. I mean love it. I really needed to hear that today. Even when you are in your valley, you are helping others (me!) to find their way, and for that I am very grateful. I am praying for you that you and your family feel God's love and peace surrounding you. We love you all so much!!!

  2. Beautiful honest words. God is speaking to me through you, Angel.

  3. Something that's been coming back to me over and over lately is this quote:
    "Don't question in the dark what you've been taught in the light." Love you!


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