How Am I?

How am I?
I don't know how to answer that question when I am asked.
How am I?
Physically, I feel fine.  I told my Sunday School class today that I feel good.  And, I hope I continue to feel good until surgery.  But, from that day on, for a while, I will feel really not good.
So, how do I answer that question?
How am I?
I still have cancer.
I am still functioning.
I feel relieved to have a plan in place.
Today I physically feel good, but I know the day is coming when I will not.
How am I?
Alive and fighting this aggressively

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Surgery Date in Place

How does life change for me now that I have surgery date in place?  I never really thought there would be any moments of relaxation until treatment was over, but I find myself being able to relax knowing there is a surgery date in place and nothing more I have to do or decide until it gets here.
So, maybe I will have a few weeks of peace to enjoy life around here before life changes dramatically again.

Positives about not having surgery until late June

• Being able to help kids finish school year successfully
• Attendance at all end of school events
• Attending special beginning of summer events
• Celebrating birthdays and Father's Day
• Some summer gardening
• Time to breathe
• Time to plan ahead
• Time to d/c medication and supplements before surgery
• Time for Spring TV Season Finales
• Attending support group before surgery
• Warm weather 
• Seeing Inside Out in theaters  

There's a lot to look forward to while I wait yet once again.  Only, this time, waiting doesn't seem so terrible.

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"God will Use This Mess for Good"

"You'll get through this.

It won't be painless.

It won't be quick.

But God will use this mess for good.

Don't be foolish or naive.

But don't despair either.

With God's help, you'll get through this."

                               by Max Lucado

Thankful thoughts for today:

Rain that waited until end of track meet

Safe travels

Naps

Once Upon a Time

ponytails

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Pink is a Color, Not a Political Statement

I absolutely love the color pink and always have.  When I got to pick out carpet for my childhood bedroom, it was pink.  It absolutely broke my heart when my daughter went through a "no pink" phase. So, I was certainly prepared when I got the breast cancer diagnosis to wear a lot of pink.  In fact, my new watch happens to be pink.  :)

But, I  have noticed since my diagnosis that pink has taken on a new meaning.  People assume I wear pink for breast cancer awareness.  My own husband even asked me if I bought a pink watch in preparation for a possible diagnosis.  (I got it between biopsy and diagnosis).  When I shop for clothes now, I still find myself drawn to pink, but I wonder what message it will send.  The message is I LOVE PINK!!!

I want you to know that every time I wear pink it is not a political statement. I JUST LOVE PINK!!!

Found this on Pinterest and loved it!!!

What Makes Me a Woman?

Here it finally is . . .the big elephant in the room . . .the question everyone diagnosed with breast cancer thinks about and no one wants to talk about.   What makes me a women?  Do my breasts define my femininity or sexuality?  Will I feel different as well as look different without them?   Will others look at me differently?  Is talking so openly and honestly about this inviting stares in the future?  Will the stares come anyway?

I think one reason I can talk about something that may invite stares is that people stare at me anyway.  I live life in a wheelchair and that in itself is a magnet for stares and comments.  I think I'm mostly immune to them.  And, although I don't really want people staring at my chest, I'm not sure I can really decipher why they are staring.  That is, until they open their mouths to let their ignorance shine through and make it pretty verbally clear why they are staring.  I'll just have to expand my arsenal of clever come backs to include some breast cancer related.  I'm just going to have to get a bit quicker thinking of a come back.  For example, while shopping the other day I was looking at hats/scarves, etc. if needed in the future.  Another customer was also in that section and told the friend he was with "You only wear a Fedora if you're stupid."  It took me too long to figure out my comeback. I wanted to say, "Or if you have cancer."  But, I didn't think of it in time and he wasn't talking to me anyway.  So, it's probably a good thing I thought of it too late.  I've learned that unless I'm directly addressed, ignoring ignorant comments is the best choice.

So, what makes me a woman? Do my breasts make me a woman?  I know the answer to that is "No."  I know that with or without breasts, I am still a woman.  I am still myself.  I am still the same person.  I should know that changes to your physical body don't change who you are inside, but that doesn't mean I'm automatically comfortable with the changes coming.  Although I did say the other day, "I already have a ton of scars, what's a few more???"  I don't have the answer to that question.  I don't know why this bothers me.  Reconstruction or no reconstruction my body will be forever changed.  What I don't want is what I learned about on the Tonight Show, "The Dad Bod."  :)  I am not a dad and I am not comfortable looking like one.  I also have no desire to look like E.T.  (If you don't know what a Dad Bod is, Goggle it)

Why is it that that the loss of breasts is the only thing creating angst? There is a possible hysterectomy in my future based on the results of my genetic testing and not for one minute do I think that makes me less of a women.  I find that ironic.  The very thing the doctor looked for to determine the gender of my baby girl via sonogram, ovaries, may be removed from my body.  The very thing that told us she was a girl is something that may be removed from me.  But, not for one second have I thought that makes me less of a woman.  So, why would I think the removal of breasts would?

I think maybe it's because no one is looking inside my body to see if I have ovaries.  No stranger can make judgments based on my internal organs.  But, somehow I think strangers or even some non-strangers might make judgments about my breast removal.  Body shape is visible to everyone who can see you and many people make judgments based on body shape.  I know I shouldn't let that impact my decision making process, but it does.  I know the people who really matter are going to love me no matter what.  And, maybe that is what I need to focus on and make decisions based on my overall health, well-being, and what is best for me and my family long term.

So, if I look like ET or have a Dad Bod, don't comment.  Keep all your crass comments to yourself please.  

Thankful thoughts for today:

New wheelchair

Box of Wonder Woman goodies from my sister

Schedule that is still balancing

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Victory in the Valley

Today I'm continuing my search for whatever answers and support are out there.  Today I decided to check out Victory in the Valley, a nonprofit organization in our area for resources and support of cancer patients/survivors.  It's always nice to find a community of others with similar experiences.  The bad news was they didn't personally know of any wheelchair users who also happen to be breast cancer patients or survivors.  It looks like I might be a trail blazer once again.  Good thing I know how to do that  :)

I was so impressed with the services provided and plan to use those that I need.  They offer practical services like a boutique to help you figure out wig or turban fitting if that becomes necessary in my future as well as post mastectomy supplies.  They also offer supportive mentoring relationships between the newly diagnosed and a survivor who has walked through this valley before as well as support groups.  There is even a yearly women's retreat.  I'm not sure I'll be feeling well enough for a retreat in August, but we'll see.  I have a hard time fully understanding why when I feel fine right now I'm about to make decisions that will leave me feeling terrible for an indeterminate amount of time.   Logically I get it, but emotionally I'm not sure it makes much sense.

I was feeling loved and supported within minutes.  Check out the awesome goody bag in the pic above.  I got an amazing booklet called, "Navigating the Cancer Journey" that helps answer many of the questions swirling around in my head.  I also asked my specific question regarding surgical options and actually got opinions as well as a more detailed description of the impact on my arm usage and left armed with questions for my doctors.  So, I came home and called immediately and talked to the nurses.  I finally felt like I was armed with solid information and could have an informed discussion.  :)

I left with a bag full of goodies, a head full of newly learned information, cards and pamphlets about all the services offered (including facials, chair massage, art therapy, etc.)  I have found a place to ask my multitude of questions and get answers based on experience.

I even left with information about medical tattooing.  Who needs reconstruction when you can camouflage your scars with cool tattoos or even enhance your reconstruction?  Maybe I've found the reason to add a tattoo to this body?   What do you think?  :)

For those of you who know me well you know the most practical gift today was the organizer to help keep all necessary medical/scheduling information in one place.  The gift I was most drawn to was the blue afghan (see it draped on the back of the chair).  Everyone needs a blue blankie to help them through life.  Just ask Linus.

And yes, the name is based on Psalm 23;4  "Yes, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me."


Thanksgiving for today:
Victory in the Valley
Feeling empowered
Helping my son finish four language arts lessons
Blue blankie

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Collecting Stories

I am collecting stories from breast cancer survivors to help me make treatment decisions.  Right now I'm focusing on surgery decisions.  Lumpectomy vs. Mastectomy?  Reconstruction vs. External Prostheses vs. Living Flat?

It's funny how when things become a reality in your life, it changes your views.  My whole life, I've always said, "If they find cancer, mastectomy for sure."  I never expected to have one second of wavering about that decision.  But, I did.  I think I have decided bilateral mastectomy for sure regardless of genetic testing results.  Now, on to the next decision.  Reconstruction or not?

This is why I want to hear from women who have been there and made these decisions.  I want to learn from the wisdom that comes with experience.  My doctors can only give me statistics and the what might happen.  Have you ever read the potential side effects on medication?  It's kind of the same thing, what might happen.  But, I want to hear stories of what did happen.  I want to know the choices you made, the recovery process stories, and whether you have any regrets or are happy with the decisions you made?  I want to hear the horror stories and the success stories.  I want to hear the REAL stories.  I want to hear the reality of how long before you could use your arms.  How long before independent functioning came back?  How long before you could dress yourself fully?
If you didn't choose reconstruction, what struggles if any did you have with your new body?

If you're not comfortable sharing your story as a blog post comment, please comment anyway.  Just tell me in your post that you don't want it made public.  I monitor all comments and won't publish any you ask me to keep private.  It can just be between us.  But, please share.  I am making a life changing decision and need the wisdom of experience to help guide me.  If you happen to be a breast cancer survivor and use a wheelchair, I'd really love to hear from you.  I can't wait to start collecting stories.

Thankful thoughts for today?
Local Cancer Center
Friends stopping by on their way through town
Redbox

If you like what you're reading, please follow this blog.  It's a great way to see when I've posted something new.  And leave comments.  I'd love to start a conversation!