Monday, July 27, 2015

I Don't Want to Think About It

I don't want to be whiny and self-absorbed.  I've really been trying to avoid that from taking over much of my life and I really didn't want it to take up space here.  But, it's how I feel sometimes and I decided it was time to share it with all of you.  So, fair warming, this is bound to be a little snively, so read at your own risk.
Sadness from Disney's Inside Out
I don't want to think about cancer.  I'd like just one day when it doesn't enter my mind.  I'd actually like just a very small part of one day when I don't have to think about it, when I can go somewhere and do something and leave it all behind.  The problem is when something is inside your body it goes everywhere with you.  EVERYWHERE!!!!

I was hoping that after surgery I would feel like it was cut out and gone!  Well, I don't feel that way.  I know part of it is that micrometastic tumor they found in one lymph node.  Part of it is having to ask the doctor if cancer cells could have escaped through my circulatory or lymphatic systems and be lurking somewhere else in my body.  Part of it is facing the reality that I intellectually knew, but didn't actually feel, that cancer will be a part of my life FOREVER.  Forever means forever.  Maybe someday I'll have a day or even a few hours that I don't think about cancer, but that day is not today.

It doesn't help that I'm in the middle of obtaining bids for a bathroom renovation.  I tried so hard to get life lined up before surgery so that once treatment started, I could just focus on treatment, healing, recovery, and fighting the battle of my life.  I need my energy focused on that with some left over for my family.  I don't have energy to take care of other issues that should have been handled before treatment began.  I don't have the energy to help myself fight cancer and heal from surgery and at the same time manage government red tape.  I am not paid enough for this.  :)  And, every time I have to deal with the bathroom modification issue, I'm reminded yet once again why I even need this.  CANCER made this a necessity in my life.

I realized this week one way I've been trying to not have to think about cancer constantly is to read A LOT.  But, even doing that doesn't make the thoughts go away for long.  In fact, no matter what I read, I can find a way to connect it to my current situation.  You would not believe how many times cancer shows up in random books.  If it's not cancer directly, it is something related to what I am currently experiencing.  For example. a character in the book I am currently reading is taking pain killers for an injury.  The description of his experience with pain medication immediately makes me think of my current pain medication and recovery from surgery.  I just can't get away from it.

Why?  Because it is part of me. It is inside my body and goes wherever I go.  If I catch a glimpse in a mirror, or window reflection, I am reminded that my body looks different.  If I move a certain way and get a twinge around my incision, I am reminded of my surgery.  When I have to plan my life around doctor appointments/treatments, I am reminded.  When I pick up the mail and see the insurance statement with yet another medical claim, I am reminded.

I don't want to think about it, but I must.  I do constantly.  It is a part of me forever.  So, if you've actually made it through my whining today, please don't let it make you afraid to talk to me about my life.  Cancer is a part of my life.  I may not want to think about it, but I do constantly.  Bringing it up does not make me think about it.  I'm already thinking about it.  Asking specific questions actually helps me give specific answers and focus on the reality of life, not just let things run rampant in my brain.  So, ask away.  Whatever questions you might have, don't worry about upsetting me.  Ask away.  But, please make sure that's only a part of what we talk about and do.  Cancer is only part of my life.  Help me find other fun and exciting things to do/talk about.

I'm really identifying with Sadness from Disney's Inside Out today (and a little bit with Anger too)


  1. Angel, thanks for sharing what you're feeling today. We love you no matter what. Cancer really sucks. So, what are you reading?

    1. Also just read A God in Ruins by Kate Atkinson

    2. Right now I am reading Angels Walking by Karen Kingsbury. I have recently read all John Green books (I read A Fault in Our Stars last year pre dianosis) most James Patterson YA titles, The Hundred-Year House by Rebecca Makkai and have The Borrower in my room to read. I read the Selection Series and Jeanette Oke's Return to the Canadian West series as well as the newest book about Mitford by Jan Karon. In my room right now from the library, I have a couple of Anna Quindelin books and The Maze Runner. I also have the entire Dorothy Must Die series on my Kindle (I've read the first) as well as a number of other books. Do you have any suggestions for must reads

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