My "No Visitors" Sign is Down

My "No Visitors" sign came down today.  So that means besides phone calls, emails, following this blog, you are welcome to come visit.

I saw my doctor today and at this point, my immune system is still good.  That could change in the future as more treatments happen, especially if they include the removal of more lymph nodes and/or chemotherapy.  At this moment in time, though, my immune system is working.

Please call before you come since I do have appointments happening.  And, once these drain bags come out, I might be out doing some visiting of my own (or shopping, or eating out, or watching movies)  :)

Please be respectful of my decreased energy level.  I'd like to jump right back into normal activity, but I did have major surgery a week ago and I'm still pretty tired.  I'd love to see you, but maybe not for hours at a time. :)

And We Wait

I had an appointment with the oncologist today to go over my pathology report and create a plan for the future.  I've been excited and nervous for this appointment.  I am ready to have a plan in place and get things moving.

Well, we are still waiting.  My pathology report was somewhat inconclusive and more testing needs to happen before we make a decision on the next step.  The good news is the tumor was only 1 cm and the margins were clear.  There was nothing additional found in the breast tissue.  The confusing news is about the lymph nodes.   The dye only reached two so only two lymph nodes were taken out and tested.  One was negative.  Yay!!!  One was micro metastatic  1..8mm.  So, what do we do next?  The oncologist thought we needed more information from more lymph nodes.  That means more surgery.  BOOOO!!!

After discussing the impact of additional surgery on my arm strength/usage, we decided to wait on surgery.  An oncotype dx test will be performed on my slides and the results of that test will  help determine the next step.  So, I'll be waiting on those results for the next 4 weeks or so.  What does that all mean?  I'm glad I have a great treatment team to figure out my options and help me balance the risk of cancer vs. the risk of side effects.  I certainly couldn't figure this all out on my own.

My mom asked me if I had been praying for patience since I'm sure getting reasons to practice patience lately.  :)  I wonder when I will have learned patience.  I know I'm not there yet.  This waiting is about to drive me crazy!!!

Thankful thoughts for today:

Treatment Team

Lortab

Sunshine

Fresh Air

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Expectations vs. Reality

Expectation: I will need assistance after surgery
Reality:  I definitely need assistance after surgery.
I am so thankful for the great assistance I have had.  My wonderful husband took a week off work to help me with surgery and follow up.  My mom came to spend some time with me and will be handling the assistance I need while my husband goes back to work.  I"m so thankful for great family and friends.

Expectation: I will have no use of my arms for an indefinite period of time
Reality:  I can move both arms to shoulder height and have almost 100% usage of my left arm and more of my right than I expected at this point.
Stretching and twisting is not possible, but I don''t think that is really a indication of arm usage.

Expectation: I will never need to wear a bra again if I don't want to
Reality: I have to wear a post surgical bra to help protect my incision as it heals and provide pockets to hold my drain bags. 
I guess I have some more waiting to do before I can choose to go bra less.

Expectation: I will manage after surgery pain with no prescription pain meds
Reality:  I've been taking pain meds as prescribed regularly
I have a history of managing pretty serious medical issues with over the counter pain medications by choice because I tend to have annoying side effects from prescription pain meds.  I would generally much rather deal with pain than side effects.  PTL there have been no annoying side effects this time around.

Expectation: I will not be up for visitors for awhile
Reality: I am not up for visitors for awhile.
I expected to not be up for visitors.  I did not expect being quite so exhausted.  The beginning of the week I could only manage to be awake and fully functional for about 30 minutes at a time before it was time to sleep again.  I am now able to manage a little longer at a time, but still needs lots of naps all day long.  Part of the reason I am not up for visitors is that I can't stay awake.  Part of the reason is that I just want to stay in pjs all day and not do my hair.  So, I just don''t feel "dressed for company" and don't really want to get that way.  Love you all, but I'm still not ready for visitors.
http://angel-choosinglife.blogspot.com/2015/05/i-think-id-like-to-become-hermit.html

Expectation: Taking care of my drain bags will be annoying
Reality: Taking care of drain bags is annoying.
Taking care of my drain bags is super annoying.  This is something I definitely need help doing.  I was so concerned with how I would possibly manage drain bags and wheelchair usage/transferring.  I'm so thankful that my surgeon took my concerns seriously and made my tubes shorter so that I carry them in drain tube bags attached to my surgical bra so there is no interference while transferring etc.  But, they are still annoying.  My son was a bit concerned about what exactly is draining out of my body.  A little gross to think about.  Drain bags remain in place for 1-4 weeks after surgery.  I'm praying for closer to the one week mark.   Drain bags are so annoying!!!  Plus it's extra annoying that I need bigger sized shirts to button around the drain bags.  GRRRR!

Expectation:  I will have a scar when this is all over
Reality: I will definitely have a scar when this is all over.
I can't imagine I won't have a scar when this is all over.  My incision is 26-27 inches long from armpit to armpit.  More on this later.

Expectation: I will need button front shirts for awhile
Reality: I need button front shirts for awhile.
So thankful I had done some research about what I would need post surgery and had some already purchased.  Thanks mom for getting me some really soft ones to help get me through this initial healing phase.

Expectation: I will not wake up from this surgery
Reality: I woke up in recovery
I woke up the day of surgery nervous, unsure of what I was about to do, but feeling like I was making the right decision for myself and my family.  I did some final preparations around the house and then checked my Bible Gateway verse of the day.
"The Eternal will keep you safe from all of life’s evils, From your first breath to the last breath you breathe, from this day and forever."
Psalm 121:7-8
My interpretation of that Monday morning was God would keep me safe until my last breath, which would be later that day.  I didn't tell a sole that was what I was thinking and I went through all the pre-surgery prep as planned.  So my expectation was that I would not wake up from surgery in this world.  Imagine my surprise when I did.  I then told my husband my interpretation of that verse and he thought I was silly for thinking that.   It obviously means God will be with me through whatever I am facing, including surgery and recovery.  :)

Expectation:  Aggressive cancer treatment will help me live a long, healthy life
Reality:  That is still my expectation, but we'll have to wait awhile to find out reality.

Expectation: Dealing with "What Is" is better than dealing with "What If"
Reality: Dealing with "What Is" is always better than dealing with "What If"
I can stop imagining worst case scenarios and start dealing with reality.  Reality is not exactly fun, but it is better than some of the crazy scenarios I had created in my head.

Expectation: I will not be able to eat or sleep normally for an indefinite period of time
Reality:  I have no restrictions on eating and have been sleeping well all day and night (until Saturday  night)

Thankful thoughts for the day:
Reclining couch
The Selection Series
Lortab
Sunshine
View of my backyard

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Blessings

Thankful thoughts for today:
Family
Reclining Couch
Laptop
Library

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Reality

To Do List

This is what I would like my days to look like right now--just a repeat of the above three things.  During the survive phase, it includes things like take pain meds, eat a little something, empty drain bags and dress wound, maybe read a little,  blog a little, check email.   I don't have the energy to handle things like my bathroom project right now even though right now is when I need it done.  So, what do I do?  I think this list is about right.  That's all I can do right now.  Wake up.  Survive for 30-60 minutes max.  Go Back to Sleep,  Repeat.

Why Would I Choose Pain?

When I am feeling good right now, why would I choose pain?  Why would I choose surgery knowing that will take me from feeling good to really feeling not good for who knows how long?  Why would I willingly choose something that will decrease independence and mobility for an indeterminate amount of time?

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot over the past few weeks and have even been asked by others.  If I feel good, why would I make a choice that will leave me feeling not good?

I think this is a choice we should all be making at times throughout our lives.  Not everything in our lives is 100% pleasant, nor should it be.  We choose to work hard in school knowing the long term results are worth it.  We choose to study instead of partying to enjoy long term rewards.  We choose short term pain of childbirth for the long term joy of parenting a miracle.

If we only ever got exactly what we thought we wanted at that moment, how would we ever grow or be truly successful or joyful?  I will not live a life of entitlement.  I do not deserve to have everything I want handed to me and I will not demand it.  I will not focus only on experiencing  pleasure.  I will not expect the world to cater to my wishes.  Sometimes, there must be short term pain in order to experience long term success.

This whole thought process reminds me of the subjective pain scale at doctor's offices/hospitals. "How is your pain on a scale of 1-10?"  Compared to what?  Compared to the worst pain I've ever experienced?  Compared to childbirth?  Compared to a splinter in my finger?  I guarantee pain scale numbers are different for everyone.  When I was asked that question this week, I found myself comparing it to pain I have experienced in the past and knowing that my son writhing in pain a couple of weeks ago rated his at a 5 or 6.   How can I complain when mine can be managed by pain meds?

Why would I choose pain?  Because there is an invader in my body that if left alone, will cause more pain and destruction in the future.  Because this relatively short term pain, will hopefully allow me to have a long, cancer free life.  So, I choose pain.  I choose to not ignore cancer and hope it will someday go away on its own.  I choose short term pain for hopefully long term health.

The good news is this world on Earth is short term and Eternity will be full of health and minus all these short term problems.

"For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.."
                                           2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (NLT)

Thankful thoughts for today:
Maintaining arm strength
Friends
Time to sleep
Pain medication

If you like what you're reading, please follow this blog.  It's a great way to see when I've posted something new.  And leave comments.  I'd love to start a conversation!